That’s Not How You Christian
Comedy that makes you laugh and then rethink your eternal destiny.
Lines and Drawings
Shirts
What if Leviticus came with better branding?
Inspired by Leviticus 3:16, this shirt reminds you that your body is not just a temple but also, technically, God’s preferred portion.
Made from a soft blend of ring spun cotton and polyester, this shirt is sturdy and ready to support you through your slightly confused but deeply committed journey.
Double stitched in all the right places so it lasts longer than most of your resolutions. It holds its shape even when you absolutely do not.
Fabric Details
Heliconia #ff4378 (Pink) is 65 percent polyester and 35 percent cotton
Heather Indigo #677B90 (Blue) is 65 percent polyester and 35 percent cotton
Graphite Heather #686868 (Grey) is 50 percent cotton and 50 percent polyester
Soft, breathable, and built for righteous comfort
Care Instructions:
Machine wash cold, tumble dry low, and avoid accidentally anointing it with essential oils.
Shipping & Fulfillment Info
Each shirt is made to order (no dusty warehouse shelves here). Fulfillment takes 2–5 business days before shipping.
Once fulfilled, US shipping usually takes 7–9 business days.
Shipping Cost: $4.99 flat rate (no extra charge for multiple items, so go wild).
You’ll get a tracking link the moment your holy package hits the road.
Where It’s Made:
Ethically sourced from WRAP-certified facilities in Bangladesh, Nicaragua, Honduras, the Dominican Republic, Haiti, or Guatemala, wherever the Spirit or the supply chain leads. Printed just for you in the United States. No overproduction. No sketchy labor vibes.
Note for Virginia residents
You’ll see sales tax added at checkout. It’s not spiritual. It’s just state law.
You’ve heard of “walking by faith.” This shirt celebrates the other half of the story: stumbling by nature. Because no matter how steady your spirit is, your shoelaces, tree roots, and that one Lego hiding in the carpet are always ready to humble you.
This tee is soft, durable, and perfect for hiking, worship nights, or explaining to strangers why your theology and coordination don’t always line up. Built on rock. Tripped by roots. Worn by people who know grace catches harder than gravity.
Fabric Details
Heather Navy #424754 (dark slate blue gray) is 65% polyester, 35% cotton
4.5 oz/yd² (153 g/m²)
Shoulder-to-shoulder taping
Quarter-turned to avoid that awkward center crease
Shipping & Fulfillment Info
Each shirt is made to order (no dusty warehouse shelves here). Fulfillment takes 2–5 business days before shipping.
Once fulfilled, US shipping usually takes 7–9 business days.
Shipping Cost: $4.99 flat rate (no extra charge for multiple items, so go wild).
You’ll get a tracking link the moment your holy package hits the road.
Care Instructions
Machine wash cold, inside out
Tumble dry low
Do not iron directly on the design (unless you want modern art)
Do not dry clean (salvation is free, dry cleaning is not)
Where It’s Made
Blank product sourced from Bangladesh, Nicaragua, Honduras, Dominican Republic, Haiti, or Guatemala
Note for Virginia residents
You’ll see sales tax added at checkout. It’s not spiritual. It’s just state law.
This Shirt Abides:
This is not just a T-shirt. It’s a lifestyle. A soft, lightweight, stretchy portal into a universe where the Savior rolls strikes and knows the rug really does tie the room together.
Whether you're tossing thunder on league night or meditating on your next move in the cosmic bowling alley of life, this shirt abides.
Fabric Details:
Both Heather Forest #425040 (Green) & Heather Deep Teal (Blue) are 52% combed and ring-spun cotton, 48% polyester
Heavenly lightweight at 4.2 oz per square yard
Pre-shrunk so no surprises in the laundry wilderness
Side seams and shoulder taping to keep you in your element, unlike Donny
Care Instructions:
Machine wash cold, tumble dry low, and avoid accidentally anointing it with essential oils.
Shipping & Fulfillment Info
Each shirt is made to order (no dusty warehouse shelves here). Fulfillment takes 2–5 business days before shipping.
Once fulfilled, US shipping usually takes 7–9 business days.
Shipping Cost: $4.99 flat rate (no extra charge for multiple items, so go wild).
You’ll get a tracking link the moment your holy package hits the road.
Where It’s Made:
Ethically sourced from WRAP-certified facilities in Nicaragua, Mexico, Honduras, or the United States, wherever the Spirit or the supply chain leads. Printed just for you when you order. No overproduction. No sketchy labor vibes.
Note for Virginia residents:
You’ll see sales tax added at checkout. It’s not spiritual. It’s just state law.
What is “That’s Not How You Christian”?
We’re That’s Not How You Christian, the off-brand comedy show that says the quiet part you’re thinking in church… out loud.
We make comedy about church culture, awkward Bible stories, and the kinds of thoughts people are usually smart enough not to say during prayer requests. Reels are just our warm up. We’re gunning for a full original pilot.
Our mission’s simple: Make ourselves laugh, ruin our chances of ever getting a church job, and prove that faith can handle a few punchlines. And just so we’re clear: This is satire, not doctrine.
Translation:
If you quote us in Bible study, that’s on you. For real guidance, consult a pastor, your Bible, or your grandma.
If any of that felt a little too real, follow us on Instagram, YouTube, or TikTok.
