Ever wonder if God tried country music on Pharaoh first?

If there is anything that could have broken a hardened Egyptian ruler it is a three chord song about a truck, a breakup, and a long night of crying into a bowl of manna. Exodus 12 says God sent the final plague and the whole nation woke up crying out in the night. Honestly the only thing louder than that level of grief is a sad country singer with a steel guitar and unfinished business.

The point is Pharaoh’s heart was stubborn. Ten plagues stubborn. Locusts in your cereal stubborn. Darkness at noon stubborn. Sometimes God has to shake a person awake because whispered reminders are not enough. And the truth is we are not that different.

Pharaoh teaches us that ignoring God only delays the inevitable. God will get your attention. With grace. With truth. And if absolutely necessary, with a soundtrack.

Questions for the Week and Strong:

1. If the Lord released a spiritual warning for you, would it sound like prophecy or would it sound like someone gently sobbing into a harmonica?

2. If God sent a wake up call your way today, would you listen or reach for noise canceling headphones?

3. What part of your life is holding out like Pharaoh and pretending everything is fine even though the chorus has repeated twelve times?

This Week in Prayer and Country Clarity:

Lord open my ears before I force you to turn up the volume. Teach me to hear you the first time and follow you even when the road sounds like a country song waiting to happen.

Was Jesus contractually obligated to pose?

If every painting of Jesus were accurate, He must have sat for portraits more than He preached. Long hair. Perfect lighting. Soft eyes that say, “I forgive you, but also I moisturize.”

Which is funny, because Isaiah 53:2 says the Messiah had no beauty or majesty to attract us to Him. Translation: Jesus was not walking around looking like a Renaissance candle commercial. No halo lighting. No slow wind machine. No disciples whispering, “Hold still, Lord, the light is perfect.”

The Gospels never describe what Jesus looked like. Not once. They describe what He did. He healed. He taught. He flipped tables. He sweated blood. He died. He rose. Apparently heaven decided His face was less important than His faithfulness.

We paint Jesus because we want something familiar to look at. God gave us something harder. Someone to follow.

Questions for the Week and Strong:

1. What version of Jesus would get rejected from your church lobby?

2. If Jesus showed up looking historically accurate, would you recognize Him or call security?

3. What part of your faith has been aggressively retouched?

This Week in Prayer and Crimes Against Art History:

Jesus, forgive me for turning You into a screensaver. Cropping out the hard parts, boosting the saturation, and calling it discipleship. Please delete my edits and walk straight out of the frame. Amen.

Still renewing grace like a license?

Luke 10 says Jesus saw Satan fall like lightning which is Bible language for he got fired so hard the sky lit up. Jesus reminds the disciples of Satan’s fall right before telling them not to celebrate their power but to celebrate that their names are written in heaven. Not written on a clipboard. Not lost in an inbox. Not waiting for an appointment. Your name is locked into the eternal system, no paperwork required.

So yes the devil fell. And yes he probably ruined the customer service department while he was there. But your story is different. Your place is secure not because of your performance but because Jesus stamped your file himself.

Questions for the Week and Strong:

1. What part of your faith feels like customer service hold music?

2. What form are you still filling out that Jesus already shredded?

3. What are you renewing that was already approved years ago?

This Week in Prayer and Unnecessary Forms:

Lord, help me stop bringing paperwork You never asked for. I keep waiting to be approved by a system You already bypassed. Please confiscate my clipboard and escort me out of the building. Amen.

Ever make your tithe look bigger using monopoly money?

Jesus says in Matthew 6 to be careful not to do good things just so people notice. Which implies He has watched us do exactly that.

Jesus wasn’t warning against generosity. He was warning against spiritual theater. The kind of giving that comes with fog machines, testimonial pyrotechnics, and a stage manager named Chad whispering, “We’re live in 3, 2, 1.”

Enter Winston, God bless him, dropping Greek drachma into the offering plate like it’s spiritual Bitcoin. It clinks. It stacks. It looks impressive. It is also worth absolutely nothing. Winston has a system. It is not a good system. But it is a system. And to him, it feels holy.

Jesus does not need us to look generous. He wants us changed. Even if that means giving quietly, privately, and without applause, recognition, or imaginary net worth tied up in obsolete coins.

Questions for the Week and Strong:

1. What’s an offering that is technically legal but spiritually questionable?

2. What are you tithing that you already mentally depreciated?

3. What are you calling an investment that God would call a write-off?

This Week in Prayer and Due Diligence

God, I keep offering You things I already mentally liquidated. Help me stop confusing optics with obedience and faith with branding. And if You are running an audit, please be gentle. Amen.

Jesus never settles for a clean shot.

Paul said the big three were faith, hope, and love (1 Corinthians 13:13). But Jesus? He always takes it further. He does not just drop a clean three-pointer. He hits you with an and one.

Like, “You have heard it said... but I say...” Or, “Love your enemies.” Or, “Be perfect, even as your Father in heaven is perfect.”

Right when you think you are doing alright, Jesus adds something extra. Something impossible. Something beautiful. Maybe faith is like basketball.

Questions for the Week and Strong:

1. Where are you setting screens for problems you should be boxing out?

2. What boundary do you treat like a foul line you can casually step over?

3. What are you forcing like a contested three when an easy layup is right there?

This Week in Prayer and Panic Dribbling:

God, when life goes full court press, I tend to panic dribble and lose the ball. Slow me down, steady my hands, and remind me You already won the game. Amen.

Is this Romans… or country radio?

Romans 7 says Paul cannot do the things he wants to do and keeps doing the things he hates. Which is basically every country song ever written.

Paul writes like a theologian fighting his inner raccoon. Hank Williams sings like a man who lost his dog, his truck, his dignity, and maybe his sanctification. And somehow both of them make sense when you are trying to follow Jesus with a brain that misfires before breakfast.

Paul says, I do what I do not want to do. Hank says, I am so lonesome I could cry. Same energy. Different boots.

Sometimes our struggles sound like Romans. Other times it sounds like country radio. Either way, God sees the mess and still makes music. 

Questions for the Week and Strong:

1. Which struggle would sound better with a steel guitar?

2. Are you living Romans 7 or just humming it at this point?

3. What habit keeps coming back like a chorus nobody asked for?

This Week in Prayer and Sacred Sad Songs:

Lord, I keep living a Romans chapter with a Hank Williams soundtrack. Help me trust you with the parts of me that feel out of tune. Give me strength to walk straight and grace when I sound like a spiritual bar fight. Amen.

Bread temptation? Amateur hour. Should have led with chocolate.

Luke 4 says Satan tempted Jesus with bread in the wilderness. Bread. Plain bread. Which tells you that Satan never dated anyone who cooked.

If the devil had rolled up with cheese and chocolate, the temptation scene might have lasted a bit longer.

That being said, Jesus did not resist because the menu was boring, though it was. He resisted because He trusted the Father more than any craving. The enemy always offers shortcuts. God offers sustenance. Bread, cheese, chocolate, none of it compares to the quiet power of a soul anchored in Scripture.

Jesus could have turned the entire Sinai Peninsula into a charcuterie board, but He chose obedience instead. Satan tempted appetite. Jesus revealed allegiance.

Questions for the Week and Strong:

1. If the devil offered you cheese and chocolate, how fast would you cave and call it a blessing?

2. Are you resisting temptation or just asking if it comes in a sampler platter?

3. Which shortcut in your life looks delicious but gives you heartburn later?

This Week in Prayer and Dairy Based Temptation:

Lord teach me to crave your Word more than chocolate or at least as much as. Amen

What if repentance came with a splash zone?

Matthew 28:19 says, “Go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.” It never said how to get them into the water.

We treat baptism like it’s a quick rinse before communion. Jesus treats it like a spiritual pressure washer for the soul.

The water doesn’t save you, but it does remind you who does. Every splash is a spiritual cannonball. Angels hold up scorecards and heaven’s lifeguard blows the whistle and says, “Nice form, sinner.”

Questions for the Week:

1. If faith had a waterslide, would you dive in headfirst or wait until the water’s “theologically safe”?

2. If baptism came with a splash zone, how far back in the pews would you sit?

3. Would you rather be sprinkled with doubt or fully submerged in obedience?

This Week in Prayer and Deep Water Confidence:

Lord help me stop hovering at the edge of obedience like a nervous kid at a public pool. Give me the courage to climb the spiritual ladder and slide into whatever you are calling me toward even if it looks fast, loud or mildly hazardous. And if I scream on the way down let it be a joyful noise. Amen

Rome really didn’t think this through.

The Romans picked the cross because it was the worst thing they had. Painful. Public. Humiliating. A warning label you could see from a distance. The ancient equivalent of saying, “This ends here.” And Christians looked at that and said, perfect, that’s the logo. Put it on buildings. Necklaces. T-shirts. Tattoos. Cakes. Probably a hat.

Paul says in 1 Corinthians 1:18 the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to those being saved it is the power of God. Turns out what looks like failure depends entirely on who’s watching. Rome thought they were taking Jesus out of the game. Turns out killing God on a cross does not send the message you think it does. It just turns the warning label into the victory sign everyone keeps pointing at.

Questions for the Week and Strong:

1. What symbol of suffering are you very comfortable accessorizing?

2. Are you moved by the cross or just used to the shape?

3. What would stop feeling inspirational if it actually happened to you?

This Week in Prayer and Rounding Off the Sharp Parts:

God, help me stop prettying up the cross like it was a branding exercise. Jesus suffered there on my behalf, not for decoration. Help me honor that sacrifice without sanding off the parts that make me uncomfortable. Amen.

#DivineRebrand #RomanMarketingFail #ChristianComedy

Disclaimer: That’s Not How You Christian is a comedy brand that uses satire, biblical references, and cultural commentary to explore faith, church life, and spiritual oddities. While our content is meant to entertain and spark reflection, it is not intended to replace personal theological study, pastoral counsel, or genuine discipleship. If you're looking for spiritual guidance, we highly recommend a real-life church, pastor, or your grandma.

We make jokes about faith because we take it seriously, and because we believe it can handle a little laughter. That said, nothing in this post should be taken as official doctrine, religious advice, or a substitute for talking to someone who knows you and your situation personally.

You trusting God… or the backstroke?

Matthew 24 says that in the days before the flood people were eating and drinking and living their lives as if nothing unusual was coming. No sense of urgency. No sense of warning. Just another casual day of ignoring a massive floating zoo being built in the neighborhood.

Noah was out there hammering away on a boat the size of a stadium and everyone else acted like he was the weird one. Then the rain started and suddenly everyone wished they had paid more attention, maybe asked a few questions, maybe packed a snorkel.

The flood was not about swimming skills. It was about readiness. Jesus uses it as a warning that spiritual preparation matters. Not just when the storm hits but every ordinary day before it. Because by the time the clouds form you are already behind schedule. Faith is not built in the rain. It is built in the sunny days when you think you have all the time in the world.

Questions for the Week and Strong:

1. How many animals go by before denial becomes a lifestyle choice?

2. Is denial a spiritual gift or just extremely committed trust?

3. If preparation feels urgent, why does procrastination feel peaceful?

This Week in Prayer and Ongoing Construction:

God, help me notice when something enormous is happening nearby. Help me stop assuming it is none of my business just because it is inconvenient. And please do not let the rain be the first thing that gets my attention. Amen.

When was the last time your faith smelled a little… active?

Proverbs 14:4 says a stable without oxen is clean, which is true, but also deeply suspicious. Suspicious like a room everyone agrees not to ask about.

Everyone wants blessings without the byproduct. Purpose without inconvenience. Fruit without the mess that produces it. A tidy faith that never requires boots, gloves, or explaining what you just stepped in.

Real growth usually makes things inconvenient. It interrupts the vibe. It leaves evidence.

Maybe holiness is not about staying fresh. Maybe it’s about being willing to air the place out.

Questions for the Week and Strong:

1. What part of your faith would immediately require a hose?

2. What blessing do you want without dealing with what comes out the back end?

3. Are you doing the work or just stepping carefully?

This Week in Prayer and Avoiding Certain Areas:

God, help me stop praying for movement and then acting offended by where it lands. Help me not panic when there is evidence on the ground that something alive passed through. And lastly help me keep walking instead of pausing every few steps to check the bottom of my shoes. Amen.